In 1996, I became acquainted with L’Arche Daybreak, a group of severely intellectually disabled residents and caregivers who live in community in Toronto. Fr. Henri Nouwen, a beloved, world-renowned theologian and writer, served as their pastor. A month before I left to visit the community, Henri … [Read more...]
Many years ago I was in a men’s group. One of our group had recently experienced the death of his dad. The leader asked this man if he was “back on track” after the month had passed since his dad’s death. The fellow, who was a soft-spoken sort, looked confused as to how to answer the question. He … [Read more...]
A grief counselor in my town tells about a conversation he had with a taxi driver. Making conversation, the cab driver asked why he was in town. The counselor said, “I am here to teach the staff at a hospital how to be helpful someone who has experienced the death of a loved one.” The cabbie looked … [Read more...]
Many years ago, I was a consultant at a school where a kindergarten student had died. The parents of the other classmates wanted help as they helped their own children process the tragedy. I met with the parents to help them understand what to expect from their children, and I also consulted with … [Read more...]
Many grieving people come to see me already self-diagnosed. They believe they are behind in their grieving. They either have read about the model of Stages of Grief or have heard enough to know they are behind or “stuck.” I call these folks “High Achiever Grievers.” They are typically very … [Read more...]
One of the questions I ask grieving folks who come to see me is, “What part of you did you lose with the person who died?” The answers to this question are important in understanding our loss. I hear responses such as, “He really got my sense of humor, ” or “She always thought I had great ideas,” … [Read more...]
I often hear these words from grieving clients, “I am in year two of this grief. I thought time was supposed to heal, but I feel worse. What is wrong with me?” “Time heals” implies there is a relationship between the passage of time and sadness; more time past the loss equals less pain. Most … [Read more...]
This article originally appeared in The New York Times, January 10, 2015. Living with Grief - No Set Recovery Time Frame By the time Mary came to see me, six months after losing her daughter to sudden infant death syndrome, she had hired and fired two other therapists. She was trying to get her … [Read more...]