When we left the church to drive to the cemetery after our son died, I remember looking out of the car window wondering what bystanders might be thinking about this funeral procession. We passed a construction site, and I noticed all of the workers stopped their work, took off their hardhats and put … [Read more...]
We all remember the assignment we were given in English class to compare and contrast. I often hear folks do this exercise with their grief. It is almost always done in a minimizing form, such as “My loss pales in comparison to the story I read in the paper today.” Perhaps there is some value in … [Read more...]
Words used to describe grieving people often measure them in terms of how well they are doing rather than how they are feeling. “How is our mutual friend doing after the death of her mother?” “She is doing really well. She is back to work and looks really good.” Or, “She is a mess. Really not doing … [Read more...]
In 1996, I became acquainted with L’Arche Daybreak, a group of severely intellectually disabled residents and caregivers who live in community in Toronto. Fr. Henri Nouwen, a beloved, world-renowned theologian and writer, served as their pastor. A month before I left to visit the community, Henri … [Read more...]
Many years ago I was in a men’s group. One of our group had recently experienced the death of his dad. The leader asked this man if he was “back on track” after the month had passed since his dad’s death. The fellow, who was a soft-spoken sort, looked confused as to how to answer the question. He … [Read more...]
A grief counselor in my town tells about a conversation he had with a taxi driver. Making conversation, the cab driver asked why he was in town. The counselor said, “I am here to teach the staff at a hospital how to be helpful someone who has experienced the death of a loved one.” The cabbie looked … [Read more...]
Many years ago, I was a consultant at a school where a kindergarten student had died. The parents of the other classmates wanted help as they helped their own children process the tragedy. I met with the parents to help them understand what to expect from their children, and I also consulted with … [Read more...]
Many grieving people come to see me already self-diagnosed. They believe they are behind in their grieving. They either have read about the model of Stages of Grief or have heard enough to know they are behind or “stuck.” I call these folks “High Achiever Grievers.” They are typically very … [Read more...]
One of the questions I ask grieving folks who come to see me is, “What part of you did you lose with the person who died?” The answers to this question are important in understanding our loss. I hear responses such as, “He really got my sense of humor, ” or “She always thought I had great ideas,” … [Read more...]
I often hear these words from grieving clients, “I am in year two of this grief. I thought time was supposed to heal, but I feel worse. What is wrong with me?” “Time heals” implies there is a relationship between the passage of time and sadness; more time past the loss equals less pain. Most … [Read more...]