Grieving people are often concerned that their feelings of loss are “negative.” I believe this concern comes from living in a culture that defines positivity as the goal for all life circumstances. How then do we think about grief in this culture that extols positivism? If a positive person feels … [Read more...]
Understanding how you are “wired” may be helpful to you as you grieve. If you are highly social and need interaction you may desire a good deal of contact with others as you grieve. More introverted grievers may need to withdraw and retreat to process their grief. If you process information … [Read more...]
I have observed a pattern in many grieving families. They fear that if all the family members express the depth of their pain at the same time, the family may cease to function. “What will happen to us if we all have our hardest day on the same day?” The community may assume that family members … [Read more...]
How did Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance and hope) become so ingrained in our cultural consciousness? I believe our need for certainty in a time of chaos is the answer to the question. If only we could have an accurate map to guide us through … [Read more...]
Many grieving folks feel pain when they have a moment of happiness after their loved one has died. They often describe feeling disloyal to the one who has died if they have an emotion that is not sadness. Or they describe feeling guilty for having pleasure when their loved one cannot be there to … [Read more...]
A few years after our son died I was bathing our dog, and a profound surge of sadness came over me. It took me few minutes to realize that the scent of the antiseptic soap I was using to shampoo the dog triggered the memory of being in the NICU, scrubbing up to visit our son. We know our loved … [Read more...]
People who talk about their grief often use similes and metaphors to describe their experience. “Grief is like being on an emotional roller coaster.” “Grief is like being in the ocean, and waves of sadness wash over me.” “Grief is a mountain to scale.” “Grief is shattering.” They also use … [Read more...]
Many clients who are mourning come to therapy because they wonder if their grief is too intense or lasting too long. Yet some come because they are not having an intense emotional response to their loss. Often those individuals had a complicated attachment to the one who died. A complicated … [Read more...]
Grief begins with attachment. We are designed to attach. Loving and being loved grows from that attachment. Death breaks the attachment to the one we loved in this physical world. Understanding the specific ways we were attached to our loved ones helps us understand the unique story of our … [Read more...]
When we left the church to drive to the cemetery after our son died, I remember looking out of the car window wondering what bystanders might be thinking about this funeral procession. We passed a construction site, and I noticed all of the workers stopped their work, took off their hardhats and put … [Read more...]